Thoughts on Homesickness, Mental Health, and Gratitude
Originally written for the Islander Abroad blog found on girlfrommalta.wordpress.com
Moving to a new country is an odd experience — one filled with so many different emotions that it’s sometimes hard to understand what it is that you’re feeling.
On our last day in Malta, I remember feeling excited, elated, joyful, and looking forward to this new, thrilling chapter. But there were other, more uncomfortable sensations. I was nervous and scared about the unknown, a lot of different what-if scenarios wreaking havoc in my brain. Then there was that pit of sadness and a bit of loneliness in my stomach, knowing that to make this dream come true I had to leave everything I ever knew behind — parents, family, friends, and a sense of security that comes with growing up on one of the smallest countries in the world. Those feelings make you wonder if you’re doing the right thing or if you’re going to end up with regret.
These are all perfectly normal thought processes when you’re preparing for a major change, and it’s important to remember to let yourself feel your feelings, but to not let those fears take over. Change is always scary as well as exciting, and I know that I will never regret taking that leap. I firmly believe that the things really worth doing are the ones that scare you the most!
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get homesick, or that there aren’t days where I wish I could be sitting in my mom’s kitchen eating one of her delicious dishes (man, I’m going to eat so much when I get back — be prepared, ma!), while my dad is watching football or telling jokes, and their attention-seeking but cute little chocolate-coloured chihuahua is pawing at my feet, looking for attention or scraps (mostly scraps). I’m grateful for the wonderful little family my husband and I have built, but I will always miss those who have raised me and been with me since the day I was born.
I miss being able to meet up with a friend for a plate of perfectly cooked pasta or a pizza and some wine, chatting freely about life and dreams and love and the weirdness of it all. Although I’m grateful to be going through this adventure with my love and best friend, I still miss the odd girly night out and chat.
And then there’s the sea. Not being able to walk along the coast when I need a time out, breathing in that salty air, and letting the sound of the waves wash away whatever sadness or worry I may have has been tougher than I could have imagined. I am grateful for the views of the mountains, and the beautiful lakeside walks, but it doesn’t make me miss the sea any less. When I was sad, I found myself near the sea. When I was happy, I found myself near the sea.
Being away from home has taken a toll on my mental health, and there have been days where it’s been hard to get out of bed, nights where it’s been difficult to keep the tears from falling down, and things feel even more hopeless than ever. I underestimated how such a big change could affect my mind (in fact, I naively thought that getting away was going to magically make my anxiety and bouts of depression disappear), and it took a lot of late-night chats with Eric, and trial and error to figure out how to deal with those darker emotions in a healthy and positive way.
Meditation, taking the time to breathe, and learning how to let my mind relax, even if that just means taking time to lie down, close my eyes, and listen to some music has been one of the greatest tools.
When I start to feel homesick or I feel like I might start spiralling, I make sure to talk about it, usually with Eric, but sometimes with a trusted friend. Or if I can’t talk to someone right there and then, I just write it all down in a journal, letting the words and feelings spill onto the page until I start to understand my emotions and what’s causing them, and I begin to feel a little better.
And one of the best things I feel I can do for myself when I need some extra help is being active — working out, going for a long walk and getting some fresh air, or dancing it out in my kitchen with the pup jumping at my face in excitement. Movement has always been a great way of getting any nervous or negative energy out and getting those endorphins going.
Homesickness can hit at any time — even just thinking of our weekly Sunday lunches can make me feel a twinge of sadness. Thankfully, we live in the digital era, where loved ones are only a quick phone or video call away. Sometimes, I’ll even try to recreate some of my mother’s recipes or make a more Mediterranean meal to get a taste of home, and it always cheers me up. Although to be honest, all good food puts me in a better mood, and thankfully I married an absolutely fantastic chef!
Despite the homesickness and feelings of sadness that might crop up, I still look forward to the future, and I’m eternally grateful for the opportunity to experience living somewhere new. Waking up every morning and opening my blinds to see mountains in the distance fills me with a sense of peace and joy that’s hard to describe. The future is filled with adventure and new things to learn and discover!
One thing I’ve learned is that life is not about being happy all the time. Life is about embracing the happy moments and the sad ones and realizing that every single feeling and emotion are a part of being and feeling alive. Those moments of sadness and homesickness come from a place of happy memories and love, and so I’ll hold onto them just as tightly as the good times. Moments of darkness have helped me discover my own strength, as well as made me realize that it is OK to reach out to others when you need help — those moments have made me grateful for the kindness and love of those around me, both near and far.
The past eight months have certainly been a rollercoaster of emotions, and as we’re nearing the end of the year, I can’t help but feel like these experiences have pushed me so far out of my comfort zone that they’ve been pivotal in my own emotional and mental growth. One more thing to be grateful for.
Here’s to the lessons and adventures of the future!
If you or anyone you know are struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression, please speak to someone you trust, and call your local mental health crisis helpline.
